A Flashback

*This may be triggering

here

It’s 4am and I'm awake. Alone. Hungry. I have no food and I have no money to buy food. But hunger has reared it's ugly head and I am no longer in control. Like a drug addiction – I have to have it. I have to eat. My room-mate is sleeping. I sneak a peek across her side of the room. Nothing, no food there. She never has food. 

Maybe she has an eating disorder.

I leave the confines of my bedroom, wander down the hallway. I keep telling myself that I don’t need food, I don’t need to do this, but the monster inside of me is too strong, too powerful  and I'm consumed by my need. I hate myself at this moment. I know what I'm about to do. Down the hallway is a dustbin. 

At first glance there is nothing. I tentatively reach in, start moving things around. There. Halfway down is a bread packet, with four slices of bread still inside. I take them out. A little mouldy, but otherwise unharmed. Someone has thrown something wet into the dustbin and everything else is soggy. I make my way back to my bedroom, the night's haul clutched in my hands.

I eat quickly, desperately. Then I cry, because I'm still so hungry and because I don’t know what I am any more. 

in the grand scheme of things...

here

Humans are stupid. We are broken silhouettes of crushed childhood dreams and bruised hearts. We are all messed up, and this makes us selfish, mean, spiteful. In the wake of our own inevitable destruction, our subconscious minds seem determined to create as many casualties as possible. 


So, we hurt each other in the worst possible ways. We lose ourselves in the bitter battle against evil, and in the process many are lost to friendly fire. 


We do it for money, we do it for power, we do it because we are so confused and life is hard and no one can be trusted. But what humans really need, is love. 


So, when the war rages on all around you, when too many knives are lodged in your back and you feel like you are drowning in betrayal, love anyways. Love madly and passionately. 


Love those who hurt you, because love is the only thing that will heal you. And in the grand scheme of things, what use is anger, what good will bitterness do? Holding grudges will only give you wrinkles and your ego will always let you down. 


Let go of those things, and love instead. Because love gives birth to hope, and with hope, just maybe, maybe, we will all be ok…

Sparrow xxx

ON LOVE AND STUFF...

weheartit

Time to catch up on what's been happening in my life...

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I parted ways.  D and I had been together for almost two years, and it was hard.  SO hard!  When you're with someone for so long, he becomes like a second skin that you wear, even when he's not with you, you know he's there - he becomes part of your identity.  It was going to be forever.  We had talked moving in together, wedding rings, baby names.  But then after a series of ugly fights, it was all over.

The thing is, D wasn't right for me at all!  In fact, as the post-breakup pain wears off, I'm beginning to wonder why I started dating him in the first place.   It's not that I didn't love him - i was so crazy about him!  But because of that, I let chemistry run away with me - and completely forgot to look at who he was as a person.

I am definitely not here to ex-bash.  In his defense, D tried really hard to be good to me, he just had no idea how because we were such different people, in such different places in our lives.

But giving that all up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  And somehow, the easiest?  (Guess that's how I know it wasn't right)

I haven't given up on love.  But I refuse to say anything cliche like 'I know the right guy is out there' or 'love will find me when I am ready', so instead I will quote my favorite author:

 “And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.”
— Nicholas Sparks 


So here's to living life one day at a time and perhaps, someday, falling in love again.

xxx

weheartit

favim

I CHOOSE RECOVERY

weheartit

“What I know is this: I chose recovery. It was a conscious decision, and not an easy one. That’s the common denominator among people I know who have recovered: they chose recovery, and they worked like hell for it, and they didn’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy, at first. It takes time. It takes more work, sometimes, than you think you’re willing to do. But it is worth every hard day, every tear, every terrified moment. It’s worth it, because the trade-off is this: you let go of your eating disorder, and you get back your life.” 

- Marya Hornbacher