Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dear Sparrow...

I love you.

I forgive you.

Stop hurting yourself?

Friday, August 26, 2011

...and sometimes things just fall apart.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Dear Voices in My Head...

Life is beautiful.

And yet for so long, my head was so filled with the noises of YOU yelling in my head.  Shit, I've been missing out on so much living, SO much crazy wonderful beautiful life..  

I want, so badly, to be HAPPY

I want to reach out and touch the colours of the wind, to lie on the grass and watch shooting stars at night and dance in the rain. But most importantly, i want to smile (REALLY SMILE!) because I am free.

I am absolutely terrified, because I know that opening myself up to happiness and beauty will let the pain in too.  I've been numb for so long. 

I'm Sleeping Beauty, waking up after a long fuzzy dream.  It's a beautiful day, and everything outside my window is fresh after the storm. 

I think I'll be okay :)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Thursday, August 18, 2011

But is it really advertising that makes me do the things I do?  

Sure, I see pictures of perfect, skinny people and wish I was them.  And it's true, the media has kind of led us to believe that super-skinny is the norm.

But I don't think it can be my excuse; I don't think that this is my personal reason.  Perhaps, if it wasn't this, it would be something else?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Dear Voices in My Head...

Fuck you.

For all the times you've screwed with my head.  For all the love I've lost because of you, the relationships I've ruined because of the things YOU said to me...


For the missed opportunities, the pain, the tears, the self-hate. 

I didn't deserve it.  So why did you convince me that it was MY fault?

You know what?  NOT ANYMORE.  I'm over being pushed around.  I'm ready to fight it now.  Because I'm stronger than I think I am.  I'm no pushover. 


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dear Voices in My Head...

I feel so lost and so confused.  My head is aching, my mind is numb.  What has happened to me?  I used to be so happy, a long time ago.    I’m not the first person out there who has become a slave to my eating disorder.  So why am I so alone?  In a society where this is so common why am I too afraid to reach out?  In a so-called ‘accepting’ civilization, we – the eating-disordered people - have become the lepers of society.
The problem is, how could any ‘normal’ person understand why we do the things we do?  I feel like a crazy person!  I just want the voices to stop – stop telling me I’m fat, stop telling me I’m ugly, stop ruling my life!  Every day I wake up and think, ‘today I will be ok’.   But it’s never ok.  I AM NOT OK!  

In a world where everyone is trying to be different, I ache to be NORMAL!  I see people eating food as if it’s nothing and I’m so insanely jealous.  I want to eat until I’m full and not feel like a fat pig.  I want to stop obsessively thinking about food ALL THE TIME!   And I want to feel comfortable in my body.  Mostly, I want to be able to LOVE myself.

I feel like I’m missing out on this wonderful life I could be living.  I see the all beautiful things on this earth, I see that there are some amazing people out there and I KNOW that it’s possible to be unbelievably happy.  I don’t want to be a slave anymore.