And yet for so long, my head was so filled with the noises of YOU yelling in my head. Shit, I've been missing out on so much living, SO much crazy wonderful beautiful life..
I want, so badly, to be HAPPY.
I want to reach out and touch the colours of the wind, to lie on the grass and watch shooting stars at night and dance in the rain. But most importantly, i want to smile (REALLY SMILE!) because I am free.
I am absolutely terrified, because I know that opening myself up to happiness and beauty will let the pain in too. I've been numb for so long.
I'm Sleeping Beauty, waking up after a long fuzzy dream. It's a beautiful day, and everything outside my window is fresh after the storm.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
I feel so lost and so confused. My head is aching, my mind is numb. What has happened to me? I used to be so happy, a long time ago. I’m not the first person out there who has become a slave to my eating disorder. So why am I so alone? In a society where this is so common why am I too afraid to reach out? In a so-called ‘accepting’ civilization, we – the eating-disordered people - have become the lepers of society.
The problem is, how could any ‘normal’ person understand why we do the things we do? I feel like a crazy person! I just want the voices to stop – stop telling me I’m fat, stop telling me I’m ugly, stop ruling my life! Every day I wake up and think, ‘today I will be ok’. But it’s never ok. I AM NOT OK!
In a world where everyone is trying to be different, I ache to be NORMAL! I see people eating food as if it’s nothing and I’m so insanely jealous. I want to eat until I’m full and not feel like a fat pig. I want to stop obsessively thinking about food ALL THE TIME! And I want to feel comfortable in my body. Mostly, I want to be able to LOVE myself.
I feel like I’m missing out on this wonderful life I could be living. I see the all beautiful things on this earth, I see that there are some amazing people out there and I KNOW that it’s possible to be unbelievably happy. I don’t want to be a slave anymore.
So this is me, saying that I AM SICK OF YOU, VOICES IN MY HEAD! I KNOW YOU WON’T STOP TALKING TO ME, BUT NOW I’M TALKING BACK.