ON LOVE AND STUFF...

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Time to catch up on what's been happening in my life...

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I parted ways.  D and I had been together for almost two years, and it was hard.  SO hard!  When you're with someone for so long, he becomes like a second skin that you wear, even when he's not with you, you know he's there - he becomes part of your identity.  It was going to be forever.  We had talked moving in together, wedding rings, baby names.  But then after a series of ugly fights, it was all over.

The thing is, D wasn't right for me at all!  In fact, as the post-breakup pain wears off, I'm beginning to wonder why I started dating him in the first place.   It's not that I didn't love him - i was so crazy about him!  But because of that, I let chemistry run away with me - and completely forgot to look at who he was as a person.

I am definitely not here to ex-bash.  In his defense, D tried really hard to be good to me, he just had no idea how because we were such different people, in such different places in our lives.

But giving that all up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  And somehow, the easiest?  (Guess that's how I know it wasn't right)

I haven't given up on love.  But I refuse to say anything cliche like 'I know the right guy is out there' or 'love will find me when I am ready', so instead I will quote my favorite author:

 “And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.”
— Nicholas Sparks 


So here's to living life one day at a time and perhaps, someday, falling in love again.

xxx

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I CHOOSE RECOVERY

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“What I know is this: I chose recovery. It was a conscious decision, and not an easy one. That’s the common denominator among people I know who have recovered: they chose recovery, and they worked like hell for it, and they didn’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy, at first. It takes time. It takes more work, sometimes, than you think you’re willing to do. But it is worth every hard day, every tear, every terrified moment. It’s worth it, because the trade-off is this: you let go of your eating disorder, and you get back your life.” 

- Marya Hornbacher

This is who I am?

Hi, my name is Sparrow.

I'm a 21 year old journalism student from South Africa. I absolutely love to write - it is my passion!  Another passion of mine is photography, but I am incredibly afraid of this because there are so many AMAZING photographers out there - I wonder if I can really ever be as good. 

I have issues.  Sometimes I cry.  So basically I’m human. Sometimes I think I’m totally messed up.  I also have a lot of opinions.  I tend to think I’m always right.  People still love me though, but only the people who know me very well which is not very many because I’m so so sooo shy.

I'm sensitive.  Too sensitive - everything that people say gets to me.   My whole life, I've just been trying to get people to like me, probably because I wasn't sure if I really liked myself.  I'm still not sure.  But now I'm starting to realise that life is not about being liked by EVERYBODY.   I also realise that it's not necessary to be PERFECT.  So instead, I'm working on just being myself, whoever that is.

I love reading the news, listening to music full blast through my earphones and dancing in secret when I’m alone.  Sometimes I dance in public but only when I’ve been drinking.  I will ALWAYS wish i could be that girl who dances on tables and doesn’t care what other people think. 

WHO AM I?

dreamsbipolar

I refuse to define myself as 'the girl with the eating disorder' anymore. 

But if I am not that girl, who am I?

I've been so consumed with food, my body, my failures and my ED that I've forgotten about the rest of me.  And slowly, all those other things were stripped away until I my distorted body and food issues were all that existed.     

I feel like if I take away these negative labels that have taken over my mind, I am nothing but an empty shell.


WHO WAS I BEFORE...?


It's been so long!  But I do remember there was a time when I smiled a lot.  Back when I believed in fairies and when I loved to lie on the grass in my backyard and daydream about traveling the world, writing novels and falling in love.  I guess that in a way, I'm still that girl. 

I mean, I don't believe in fairies but I am still a daydreamer and I still want to travel and write more than anything!  Can I be that happy again, I wonder?

I guess I have some figuring out to do. 

Dear Sparrow...

jasmina-s

I love you.

I forgive you.

Stop hurting yourself?

The asylum in my mind

JYNNTERNETS

...and sometimes things just fall apart.

Dear Voices in My Head...

Life is beautiful.

And yet for so long, my head was so filled with the noises of YOU yelling in my head.  Shit, I've been missing out on so much living, SO much crazy wonderful beautiful life..  

I want, so badly, to be HAPPY. 

I want to reach out and touch the colours of the wind, to lie on the grass and watch shooting stars at night and dance in the rain. But most importantly, i want to smile (REALLY SMILE!) because I am free.

I am absolutely terrified, because I know that opening myself up to happiness and beauty will let the pain in too.  I've been numb for so long. 

I'm Sleeping Beauty, waking up after a long fuzzy dream.  It's a beautiful day, and everything outside my window is fresh after the storm. 

I think I'll be okay :)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

But is it really advertising that makes me do the things I do?  

Sure, I see pictures of perfect, skinny people and wish I was them.  And it's true, the media has kind of led us to believe that super-skinny is the norm.

But I don't think it can be my excuse; I don't think that this is my personal reason.  Perhaps, if it wasn't this, it would be something else?

Just be you

Confessions about eating disorders

Dear Voices in My Head...

renansa

Fuck you.

For all the times you've screwed with my head.  For all the love I've lost because of you, the relationships I've ruined because of the things YOU said to me...

FUUUCK YOU!!!

For the missed opportunities, the pain, the tears, the self-hate. 

I didn't deserve it.  So why did you convince me that it was MY fault?

You know what?  NOT ANYMORE.  I'm over being pushed around.  I'm ready to fight it now.  Because I'm stronger than I think I am.  I'm no pushover. 

Regards,
Sparrow

Dear Voices in My Head...

*t0x1c-d0LLy

I feel so lost and so confused.  My head is aching, my mind is numb.  What has happened to me?  I used to be so happy, a long time ago.    I’m not the first person out there who has become a slave to my eating disorder.  So why am I so alone?  In a society where this is so common why am I too afraid to reach out?  In a so-called ‘accepting’ civilization, we – the eating-disordered people - have become the lepers of society.
 

The problem is, how could any ‘normal’ person understand why we do the things we do?  I feel like a crazy person!  I just want the voices to stop – stop telling me I’m fat, stop telling me I’m ugly, stop ruling my life!  Every day I wake up and think, ‘today I will be ok’.   But it’s never ok.  I AM NOT OK!  

In a world where everyone is trying to be different, I ache to be NORMAL!  I see people eating food as if it’s nothing and I’m so insanely jealous.  I want to eat until I’m full and not feel like a fat pig.  I want to stop obsessively thinking about food ALL THE TIME!   And I want to feel comfortable in my body.  Mostly, I want to be able to LOVE myself.

I feel like I’m missing out on this wonderful life I could be living.  I see the all beautiful things on this earth, I see that there are some amazing people out there and I KNOW that it’s possible to be unbelievably happy.  I don’t want to be a slave anymore.  

So this is me, saying that I AM SICK OF YOU, VOICES IN MY HEAD!    I KNOW YOU WON’T STOP TALKING TO ME, BUT NOW I’M TALKING BACK.   

Regards,

Sparrow